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Often Humbled, Occasionally Discouraged, Perpetually Delusional
Last week we released ‘Japan in Black and White’, a reimagining and recolor of May’s ‘How to Travel Alone: Japan’, which I believe is one of our strongest films on YouTube.
The week before it’s release, while sitting in coloring sessions with the exceptional filmmaker, and colorist, and my friend, Chris Bourke, I romanticized the black and white streets of Japan in my film playing across hundreds of thousands of computer screens upon release, amassing a substantial YouTube following and opening the door for life changing opportunities in filmmaking.
It has 120 views…
By comparison for this time period, ‘Japan in Black and White’ has the lowest views of any of our 17 YouTube releases.
We hastily changed the title, rewrote the description, and cycled through 3 or 4 different thumbnail images in attempts to rescue the declining line graph of views.
All to no avail.
Without being given an opportunity to defend myself, humility punched me in the face, as it so often does.
Naturally, I spent several days between discouragement and despair, quietly spiraling while continuing the subconscious steps to get out of bed in the morning and back again in the evening.
I considered everything, including quitting, and struggled for motivation and meaning in projects I’ve felt compelled by for years.
This is certainly not my first disappointment in this life, or even in these 10 months of YouTube releases – I’ve rarely failed to fail. Yet, the effect has been crippling, creatively, emotionally, and mentally.
I carry it well – I’m so convincing in my act to prove that everything is fine even I can’t tell the difference. Under the surface of smiles and chortles is a distracted and hopeless version of myself that just can’t self correct.
A cookie-eating, dehydrated and undernourished Mills that allows distraction to consume him, succumbing to discouragement and drowning in my own self-pity.
Although I’m aware that no one is coming to save me, I still seek a lifeline. Not from any one person, by asking for help or discussing my self-destructive behavior, but by assuming that others know that I’m suffering and will have the decency to offer support.
The clear and present danger with this disposition is that it only creates more of the same. I, you, we can only create more scarcity from a place of scarcity.
Creation comes from a place of creation, an abundant and optimistic place. Despite knowing this, my own self awareness was lost and I was unwilling to return to optimism.
Fortunately self awareness did eventually come. It was after this newsletter was due to my team for building on the website and preparing in the newsletter – thus the tardy share. Somewhere between four chocolate chip cookies and several blank pages of my journal, I came to and thought:
‘How did I let this happen (again)?’
I’m not the arbiter of the YouTube algorithm, nor the decider of how many people tune into the Mills McQueen channel.
I’m also not a volume player, and my channel isn’t a race for subscribers or monetization. I’m not opposed to either. Nonetheless, this isn’t the strategy or the impetus behind the sharing of my output through that channel.
We create for YouTube as an exercise in storytelling and filmmaking. We create to collaborate with filmmakers, expanding our network and providing us with the opportunity to create bigger and better impact.
Well written, yes? Good! It only took 8 days of self-imposed agony to come to this realization, although it’s written on the wall behind me.
That was the ‘Occasionally Discouraged’ part. It’s rare that I’m discouraged for more than just a few moments. The rational part of my brain is rarely consulted on matters outside of deciding when to consume food, or turn left at a four way intersection.
Where I exist more regularly is the ‘Perpetually Delusional’. Such as: buying a food truck to make tallow fried potato chips in.
Or traveling to Mexico to overcome heartache and hopelessness.
Both quite silly initiatives, and perhaps even sillier with the addition of a camera and precomposed self reflection in the form of written dialogue and narration.
This is the delusion that keeps me creating, even following the temporary bout with discouragement. It’s the same delusion that has me believing that this filmmaking exercise will lead to larger and more impactful projects.
And although my lofty expectations with ‘Japan in Black and White’ led to crippling disappointment, it’s important to create as if any one film can be the catalyst for these larger and more impactful projects.
Each day that I write, I begin with the same, or similar, exercise. It’s unique to me, however possible for all:
I am wealth. I am abundance. I am love. I am focused. I am confident. I am determined. I am motivated. I am disciplined. I am kind. I am courageous. I am cinema. I am art. I am a storyteller. I am a filmmaker. I am a director. I am a writer. I am an actor.
I create value. I create impact. I create change.
Nowhere in this written exercise is their room for ambivalence or discouragement. However, when I miss the writing of these affirmations, the likelihood of despair and disbelief in my abilities becomes probable.
Fortunately, the sharing of my journal pages in the form of newsletter sends, that hopefully creates value for others, increases the ability and frequency to self correct.
Everything is energy and energy requires energy to change. Musings aside, I failed to create the energy to change my lack of abundance last week and therefore missed precious time to progress and create output – a direct contradiction of my previous weeks of writing to you.
This week, I will keep my commitments to myself: writing, exercising, hydrating, nourishing, and improving by small rational steps on my way to my irrational, definite purpose in life.
For the poor performance I experienced last week can only continue to affect my present and future output if I allow it to.
And I won’t allow that.
Thank you for letting me sit with you,
– mills
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